


Jesus Christ-mas

by swordfaery



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: M/M, ah well, also Christmas, also tw for geometry dash, and i immediatly felt the urge to download and play it, and im addicted again, and like there is group chat shennanigans, and like uhhh weird fucking families, anyway yea the dead men do feature just not that prominently, because i once read a fic where geometry dash was mentioned once, oh yea also one of Dexters brothers is a drug dealer and does pyramid scemes, so tw drugs alcohol and geometry dash, thats not how you spell shenanigens, the dead men are there for a bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:29:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21651523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfaery/pseuds/swordfaery
Summary: Dexter Vex is the only person in his family without a valid excuse for why he is single, and the Christmas holidays are the perfect time for his mother to loudly remind him of that.Unable to deal with the nagging, he concocts a cunning plan for one of his friends to pretend to date him, just for the holiday. A challenge a certain Saracen Rue takes him up on.A challenge for which a certain Saracen Rue may have ulterior motives...
Relationships: Saracen Rue/Dexter Vex
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> So. I started this last year, then gave up immediately. 
> 
> Well I'm picking it up again- no I still don't like Christmas I just life fake dating aus.

One of the main perks of boarding school, thought Dexter as he ignored the email his mum had sent him that morning and switched over to tumblr, was that your parents were safely at home where they couldn't nag you, or micromanage your life. He didn't have to deal with his parents expectations, or fend of questions about his personal life, or be mistaken for his siblings, and instead could eat his breakfast and chat to his friends in peace. Or whatever passed for peace at boarding school.

"Oi, Dexy!" called a voice from across the dining room, and Dexter looked up to see Larrikin skateboarding in through the double doors, narrowly avoiding crashing into a gaggle of firsties rushing off to lessons. Larrikin swerved violently, before giving Dexter a thumbs up. Dexter was sure one day that would end badly, but didn't really have a leg to stand on when it came to vaguely dangerous activities, especially considering last years school trip to Peru.  
"Yeah," he yelled back, "whadda ya want!"

One of the teachers, Professor Crow, looked disapprovingly at him for yelling, and Dexter looked sheepishly down at his sausages- before Larrikin skateboarded into the bench, and they were jolted off his plate. Larrikin then grabbed the sausages (despite there being a whole tray of unclaimed sausages in the middle of the table) and shoved them all in his mouth at once. Dexter shuffled up slightly to make room for him, and for Anton when he inevitably arrived.

"Dexter!" said Larrikin, with his mouth still full of sausages, so it sounded more like "Deshmer"  
"Dexter you didn't tell me Katherine was going out with James! You know I'm in love with her."

Dexter was suddenly glad Larrikin was eating his sausages, because if he had any in his mouth he would have spat them all over the table. "Katherine has a boyfriend!" he choked. This was bad. Katherine, his little sister, had been the only other singleton in his family, and the only buffer he had for his mother's romantic nagging. Then, out of loyalty to Anton who was walking over to them, he pointed out, "Larrikin you have a boyfriend,"  
"Doesn't mean I can't be in love with Katherine," retorted Larrikin, before turning his head up to kiss Anton.

Dexter considered vaulting across the tables over to where Katherine sat and yelling at her until she broke up with James. He restrained himself with the knowledge that Katherine was just as stubborn as him, and could not be bullied. With the upmost amount of self control, he turned to Saracen, and asked innocently "Did you know about this,"

Saracen, Dexter's best friend and guy who was supposed to have his back always, was looking decidedly in the other direction. Dexter let his head drop onto the table.

"I'm sure it won't be that bad," said Saracen, prodding Dexter in the hope that he'd sit up. "I mean you are, some people might say, reasonable attractive, and hundreds of people here would queue up to go out with you,"

Dexter sat up and slowly turned to Saracen. "Term ends this Friday, do you think I have time?"  
"Well, I have a stream of exs you can pick from." Saracen turned smugly back to his breakfast as if he had solved everything, despite Dexter not feeling quite so convinced.  
"I'm not just, using a person, then dumping them!" he said, his voice rising an octave, partially because he was not going to be that guy, and partially because he didn't really like talking about Saracen's exs.

Saracen looked thoughtful for a second, a rare sight Dexter was unable to enjoy as the next words that came out of Saracen's mouth were so incredibly stupid Dexter nearly punched him. Nearly. Dexter was confident enough in himself to admit Saracen was pretty and that punching him would ruin the aesthetic of those features.  
"Just get Tanith or someone to pretend to date you,"

"That," said Dexter after he got over his initial shock, "is a stupid idea. No one will agree to that, we'd have to share a bed and hold hands and kiss in front of my family... no one in their right mind would do that for me!"  
Saracen muttered something Dexter didn't quite hear, but it was probably stupid, so he continued ranting. He probably would have gone on ranting if Valkyrie hadn't sat down opposite them. Valkyrie was an innocent bystander in this.

"Hey Dex, what's up?" she asked, grabbing a bowl of very sugary cereal. Before Dexter could respond however, Saracen had launched into a graphic description of Dexter's woes, highlighting his patheticness. Because what are friends for.

Valkyrie, being a civilised human being, looked sympathetically at Dexter. "If you need someone to pretend to date you I could-" Saracen choked, and Valkyrie shot him one of her famous death stares. "As I was saying," she continued pointedly, "I wouldn't mind, you know, kissing you?" she finished, and Dexter considered it.

Unfortunately, Saracen managed to ruin this promising new development by pointing out Valkyrie wouldn't get to see her baby sister if she went home with Dexter, and Valkyrie withdrew her offer. 

******************

Later, when they were lounging around in the common room, Dexter brought the subject up again, and Anton, in a voice that suggested he had absolutely zero interest in Dexter's problems, said "It was Saracen's idea. Make him do it."

Saracen, who had been about to beat Skulduggery at some video game Dexter didn't care about, practically threw himself over the sofa so he was facing Dexter.

"If you absolutely need help, I'll consider it" he said, from the floor at Dexter's feet, and Skulduggery snorted for some unknown reason.

Dexter didn't have time to question any of his friends' odd behaviour as he was too busy thanking gods he didn't believe in that this holiday would not be spent being nagged by his mother, but instead be spent with Saracen.

"I'll email mum tell her my boyfriend is coming to stay!" He called happily, too caught up in his relief to notice Saracen's reaction at the word boyfriend, or the way Anton mouthed you owe me.

*****************

After a long shouting match between Dexter and Katherine, in which Katherine claimed Dexter was trying to over shadow her boyfriend news and Dexter claimed that Katherine had only started dating James to make him look bad (James looked a little put out when Katherine did not deny this), the two Vex siblings called a truce. Term ended in two days and they needed to be a united front when returning home. Sibling alliances would be forming, and no one wanted to be without allies for an entire three weeks. Also, Dexter hadn't bought her a Christmas present yet, and wanted her to be in as good a mood as possibly when he gave her a key-ring he picked up in a souvenir shop.

Dexter was glad he had Katherine on his side. Out of all his siblings she was the one he got along with best as neither of them seemed to have caught the weird gene that ran rampant in the Vex family gene pool. Hopefully, he could keep Saracen exposed to Katherine and away from people like Valentina and Nixon.

It wasn't that Saracen had never been to Dexter's house before, but whenever he had dropped by most of his family had been out or distracted for the few moments they were inside. Dexter's parents loved him, but were also very busy people who could never remember which child was which and liked to ask strange unnecessary questions, Dexter didn't have people around for the exact reason that being interrogated by a friends parent was an excellent reason to drop that friend. 

His parents and eldest few siblings had all calmed down a bit since his primary school days, especially after his oldest sister Valentina had once asked his best friend at the time what his stance on abortion laws were, and then that if he wanted to continue being Dexter's best friend he better educate himself. 

Admittedly Valentina had been really into social justice and very drunk at the time, something to do with an art project that at seven Dexter hadn't understood and now at seventeen he still didn't understand. Valentina also no longer lived with them, as she was engaged and was an amateur artist with a side job as an environmentalist. 

Valentina would be there when Saracen was though, and so would her fiancee, Mathilde. Mathilde, who worked with abused children and was always trying to work out if the Vex kids had childhood trauma or not. She was a lot, and although Dexter was used to her, and loved her in the way that they were all family, Saracen had never met Valentina. Although Dexter had mentioned her on more than one occasion, nothing could prepare him for any of his siblings. 

"I did tell you to completely ignore everything Nixon says?" asked Dexter, as he and Saracen spent their penultimate day buying Christmas presents for all of Dexter's family. Technically they were supposed to be packing, but Dexter always left the buying of presents until the last minute, and could find no evidence to suggest anyone in his family did things anything differently. 

"Yes," said Saracen, who was playing geometry dash on his phone. "You told me," 

"He'll have green hair, probably, he normally has green hair," 

"Ignore the tall boy with green hair," 

Dexter didn't bother warning Saracen about anyone else. So long as he ignored everything Nixon said and avoided questioning from Valentina and Mathilde, everything would be fine. Plus it would be hilarious to see Saracen trying to understand Rose. No one understood Rose. 

"Hey, can we stop talking about you siblings for like, five seconds?" Said Saracen, looking up from his phone. "I don't care if they all have five heads, I'm just happy to spend time with you, and you know, help you not get nagged," 

Dexter rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah I know, I'm just nervous about, well, you not liking me anymore because my family is full of weirdos. Or you hating my family because you try to get to know them all at once," 

Saracen, who was looking back at his phone, grunted, before adding, "Dexy, my man, my bro, I would never stop liking you." 

Dexter felt some of the tension ease out of his shoulders as he bought everyone in his family a box of cadbury's chocolate. There was a discount, and he was feeling generous.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so, not as pleased with this one but uhh,, welcome to the Vex family home!! Meet the Vex family siblings!! trigger warning drugs

Saracen had been in Dexter's house for approximately five minutes before a tall green haired boy tried to sell him drugs. 

"Nixon please leave my boyfriend alone," said Dexter pointedly, holding Saracen's hand and pulling him away to his bedroom. Saracen wasn't sure if it was the b word or the hand holding that caused him to nearly spontaneously combust, or perhaps a mixture of both. Either way, he was regretting this whole plan- there was no way he could seduce Dexter in this state. 

Allowing himself to be led up the stairs to Dexter's room, Saracen ran through his plan in his mind. Step one, seduce Dexter Vex. Step two, engage in a beautiful relationship with Dexter Vex. Step three, probably marriage to Dexter Vex. 

It was a foolproof plan. 

"I don't remember it being this messy in here," Dexter frowned as he pushed open the door to his room, letting go of Saracen hand. Saracen mourned the loss, but then when he actually entered Dexter's room he understood. 

Clothes were strewn across the floor, and draws pulled out of the dresser. Books were everywhere, the bed was on its side, and boxes had been thrown about, their contents in a tangled mess in the middle of the floor. 

"Is this how you pack?" began Saracen, picking his way through the debris. Dexter, who was still standing in the doorway. surveyed his bedroom mournfully, and shook his head. 

"Must've been Nixon," he said quietly, moving over to a pile of CD that had been haphazardly swept off their shelf. "Probably looking for money to buy drugs, or to pay off his gambling debts." 

"Has this," Saracen didn't want to ask. He didn't want this to be Dexter's home life, it didn't factor into his plan! "Has this happened before?" 

"Not to me- help me with the bed, thanks," Saracen helped Dexter heave the bed back onto four legs, and then lift the mattress back into place. "He doesn't normally live with us, he's only back for Christmas. Normally I'm back before him and can lock the door but-" 

Saracen began putting draws back into the dresser, as Dexter folded his clothes back up. "So, Nixon. He doesn't strike me as a guy who's dating someone. Or who has his life together." 

"Yeah. Actually Nixon is probably the reason my mother is so desperate for us to all get through every phase of our life so quickly, not end up an addict who refuses to accept help." 

Saracen finished re stacking the CDs, and began putting books back on the shelf. Already the room looked less like a war-zone and more like a boys dormitory, although neither were the ideal look for a bedroom. 

"That's tough," said Saracen eventually, unsure of what else he could say. Dexter had mentioned that his siblings were difficult, but never anything on this scale. 

"I mean, kind of." Dexter filled one draw with clothes and moved onto the next. "He's never done this before. He's normally just, asking for money and disappearing for days on end."

"Still." 

The word hung in the air between them, Dexter not wanting Saracen to get drawn into any of the Nixon drama, Saracen wondering how long this had been a problem for, and how much Dexter wasn't telling them. 

"I go to boarding school. It's not normally an issue." 

Saracen decided he could press the matter later, and put on one of Dexter's more acceptable CDs, Japanese Whispers by The Cure. The could dance and make a vague effort to tidy up now, have a deep conversation later.

************************

Unfortunately, there was no time for deep conversations later, as it was supper with the whole family, and Saracen needed to be introduced to everyone and their partners. He already knew Katherine and James, as well as Pamaya who was in the year above, and her final year of school. She was leaving the next day to stay with her girlfriend over Christmas, so Saracen didn't bother trying to charm her. There were a lot of people here who needed to accept him into the family, and trying to get them all to love him was going to be hard work, especially when he already had a grudge against Nixon. 

"So Dexy," said Valentina, the second he and Saracen entered the dining room, holding hands. Tell us about your boyfriend. 

A woman with a high pony tail and a dress that looked as though she had found it in a church jumble sale appeared behind her, and Saracen presumed this was Mathilde. "Dexy's boyfriend, why have I heard so little about you?" 

Saracen turned to Dexter with mock indignation, "do you mean to say!" He began, hand clasped to his heart, "That Dexter has literally never mentioned me despite us being best friends for what, seven years-"

"Six," Dexter mumbled, then "And Mathilde is lying she's heard of all my friends." 

Mathilde, who definitely was Mathilde, winked at Saracen, and walked off to help lay the table. 

"She liked you," said Dexter, which was obvious, everyone loved him, but still made Saracen feel better, especially when Dexter squeezed his hand in a way that said "you got this." It was unnecessary, of course Saracen had this, he was Saracen Rue, but still. It was a nice gesture. 

"Mathilde likes everyone," said Valentina. "Except child abusers and racists, but that's a given," 

Saracen was supposed to be meeting Rose next, but she had not yet materialised, and as Liam and his partner Rowan would not be arriving for another week, and Saracen had already basically met everyone else, he decided to see if he could avoid helping in a helpful way. 

Avoiding helping in a helpful way was a skill Saracen had been honing for years. You had to seem absolutely willing to do any chore, entertain the people doing the chores with funny stories whilst maybe holding something light like a salt cellar you were going to put on the table once you finished telling this joke, and then not do any chores. It was something he could never get away with in his own home, his parents and older sister Harley were far to used to him to fall for it, but with new people it not only got him out of chores, but also made people like him.

A few moments later, Dexter was laying the table for about a billion people and Saracen was holing a glass whilst charming Dexter's mother, Sadhbh, who was trying to remember if it had been Dexter or Liam or someone else entirely who had got into a fight over One Direction. Sadhbh was pretty sure it had been Dexter, as she couldn't remember any other occasions where Liam had got into fights with anyone. 

Saracen nodded and laughed in all the right places, being his usual flirty charming self. Dexter's mother laughed along with him, relaxing into their conversation. This was what Saracen had planned for, charming Dexter's family, making them like him more than Dexter, all that fun stuff. 

Saracen was just telling Sadhbh about how Dexter didn't break his arm playing rugby like most people thought, but actually broke it trying to do a backflip while jumping on the bed, when Dexter came over and wrapped his arm around Saracen's waist. 

The normal, sensible part of Saracen's brain knew that this was because they were pretending to be in a relationship and frankly wasn't even intimate of a gesture.   
The idiot horny part of Saracen's brain decided to short circuit and take every function with it, and so for a moment it looked at though Dexter had drugged Saracen instead of hugged him. 

Pulling himself together as best he could, Saracen allowed Dexter to lead him to the table. "Stop," muttered Dexter in his ear, "flirting with my mother."

"I would never," said Saracen in his best impression of a whisper, "you know you're the only one for me, darling," 

Dexter gave him a slightly too hard shoulder nudge, which naturally led to a shoulder nudge war. Dexter, who's shoulders were as impressive as his abs, won, but Saracen didn't care. In his mind, although he'd never admit it, being able to feel Dexter's shoulders was winning. 

Supper was a beautiful grease fest that Saracen was delighted to be part of. Dexter's father may not have been the most handsome man in the world, but he could cook. Not for the first time, Saracen wondered how Dexter managed to be such a beautiful human considering he had his fathers genetics and cooking. Maybe it was the sheer amount of exercise he did... 

"So John,"

"It's James," 

"Yeah, I said that, Joseph, anyway your intentions with my sister please,"

Katherine glared across the table at Pamaya and took James's hand, "That is none of your business, I'm an independent woman!" 

Dexter snorted at this, and made a snide comment about how Katherine still couldn't swim. 

Saracen wisely decided not to join in as the Vex siblings traded insults across the dinner table; and instead turned his attention to Sadhbh, and being nice to her. 

This paid off when Saracen got served pudding first, and Dexter had to watch jealously as Saracen ate the largest piece of chocolate cake. If Saracen had been in a nicer mood he would have offered Dexter some, but no one had ever been in that nice of a mood. And no one would ever give up any of Sadhbh's chocolate cake. 

When supper was over, but before the evening games of trivial pursuit and who am i could be played, Dexter pulled Saracen up to his bedroom for a movie night. Although he wouldn't admit it, this was what Saracen had been dreaming off when he'd planned this holiday; Dexter and him sneaking off to spend time together, Dexter and him spending hours alone in bed together. 

Sure it was early days, but Saracen's plans were falling perfectly into place.


End file.
